What Is Ours and What Is Not?
Our problems are like rocks. We’re all carrying around a bunch of rocks in our backpack through this life. We take responsibility for our “rocks” and carry them around like we’re supposed to. It’s healthy and wise to take responsibility for our own things. To do this well, we have to clearly know whose rocks are whose. Taking responsibility is tricky.
We first need to know where we stop and someone else begins. When we love someone so much, and we want all the good things for them. Maybe we even convince ourselves that we know exactly what that is…that’s where it gets dicey. Respect is ultimately understanding where the line between you and me lives, no matter how close we are. The more we love someone, the harder this is to distinguish. Maybe the closer we are, the more important it becomes to know where the line is.
A dear friend is really struggling to take action in their life. It’s so clear what needs to happen and I’m cheering for them so hard! I so relate to having no bandwidth to address what is right in front of me. Running my business at full tilt with a very seriously ill spouse, and a million problems, I could hardly do the next right thing no matter how small. But just the next right thing, one little action at a time, was exactly how God walked me through that fire. No matter how much I want the next season for this friend, they have to choose it. They have to take the steps to get there. I can support them where I can, but I can’t do it for them.
It’s worth asking the question: Is the burden really ours? Sharing one another’s burdens is one thing, but holding someone else’s problems too close starts to look like we’re taking ownership of something that isn’t ours. It’s easy to fall into a trap that can become very uncomfortable–even relationship threatening. Sometimes people invest in other people’s problems to avoid working on their own.
The subtle problem of being over-responsible gives the feeling of being in control. I love it when I can be responsible as it gives me more power over getting a better outcome. It’s healthy to look at my behavior to see what I can do or stop doing to get what I want. But that can lead to over-contributing to the point where someone else can under-contribute. I don’t want to rob someone else of an opportunity to grow. Nor do I want to grow resentful of someone because I continue to take on more than I should.
Relationships are the most important thing to me. I’m looking at ways to protect my relationships for the long haul, both personal and professional. Truthfully, no matter how hard I try, I’m not always successful. I’m getting more ok with that over time. I have to carry my own backpack and allow others to carry their own backpack even when they walk in or out of my life.
