New Life Is A Choice
Once I got thrown into this new life, I tumbled about for a bit. I think everyone does when they are cast into a new life. It is so overwhelming! Nothing is the same and I was so raw over it. Every single thing hurt.
My late husband died after several years of a violent and mysterious illness. I had been his caregiver and I ran a business and then he died and my life died with him.
I was told the grief/trauma combo packed a terrible punch and that I should seek professional guidance through this season. I immediately hired 3 grief therapists within the first couple of weeks. Well, three because not everyone is a good fit. The therapist I kept noted in our first meeting that I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring. She could see the imprint on my finger. She asked if people had noticed. Indeed they had noticed and had a lot to say about how quickly I removed my rings. She asked why I removed them. “Well, because I’m no longer married.”
I was scared to try and avoid feeling the grief as I thought grief would hunt me down for a terrible reckoning. I was more scared of a reckoning than I was of just sitting in the mess of it. I did A LOT of sitting in misery alone. I had to be alone. No one could understand what had happened to me and I didn’t have the energy nor the skill to educate anyone.
For me, aligning with my circumstances, as much as I hated it, somehow felt safe. I was afraid of how grief would change me. I was led to believe that I couldn’t trust my instincts or my decision-making. I felt very unsafe and unsure. It seemed like the only thing to do, as my therapist put it, was to be “hyper-present with my circumstances”. I had no idea this would be my saving grace. I just had no energy to fight this inevitable new life. I was furious about it. I hated it. I missed my old life in ways I could not have imagined.
I noticed others who got kicked out of their old lives too. I watched them torture themselves by fighting it, wishing and wanting what was already gone. I knew too well it was never coming back. I didn’t have the energy to fight it. I didn’t have enough energy to spend an ounce of it on what was gone. I couldn’t afford to. It took everything I had to bitterly wait for the new life to show up. I certainly didn’t think I could ever be happy again, but I knew holding on to what I used to have wasn’t going to serve me. So I did my best to let it go.
Turns out that New Life demands a choice. I had to choose it. I had to let go of my old life—not my love, my love was forever, but I had to GIVE UP my old life because I simply didn’t have it anymore. It was that choice that gave me room for my new life. I didn’t realize at the time, that vital choice gave me back the capacity for the future happiness I experience now, in this new season. My season of art and beauty and deep joy. That joy came first to me in nature, and then in art, and eventually the making of my new life and my new marriage.
New Life demands respect. I had to choose it. It was the only way I knew to prevent robbing myself of future happiness. And that’s what I want for you--future happiness. Future happiness is possible! Even if you can’t see it yet, may just the idea of potential joy be enough to keep you here long enough to find it.
