The Vigil

The paintings are hung in the chapel with care. The chapel renovation looks amazing. The food and drinks are ordered. I’m praying the shipment of books arrives on time and undamaged. 

Mostly I’m thinking about you. I have no idea how you will respond to this work.This work that lived in my brain and my body for so long. It’s like I forgot it was ever going to live in the world!  You all are going to give it a life of its own.  

I finished all the details of the book. The writing. The painting. The audio was recorded. All the editing. Done. I sent it off to the printers and waved. I thought I’d feel relieved. Or released.  But that’s not what came. It felt SO POWERFUL! I was shocked. That’s not what I expected at all. This is the purest expression of my life. I never dreamed I’d be sharing it at first. It was truly for my own healing. I didn’t think about who would read it or see the art or what they would think about it or what would sell. It just didn’t much occur to me. I guess I didn’t have space to even consider it until now. It took a lot of energy and attention to just process what had happened for myself. I’m trying to sit with it.

But now. Now it’s going to be released to you and to a world of people I don’t know. You all will give it meaning. You will give it weight or merit for what it means to you. Feel no pressure to “like” the work or not. I’ll love it if you do, but it’s not really about that.

I’ve been assured over and over again how it will help people, but if I’m honest, I have no idea how. It’s baffling to me. I do recognize the value of sending a signal that you are not alone. You are not the only one walking a hard path or enduring an impossible season. Those people who walked a path before me were a beacon in my hard season just as I hope to be a beacon to those who come after me.

Y’all have agreed to come back to camp with me where maybe I can share my deepest and best. This is where my independent life as a person was formed. Where my life started. Back to the dirt where I married. Where my beautiful life ended with Dan’s death and service. And now where I’m expressing my identity as an artist in a new beautiful life. Circles of life and death and resurrection. Restoration. My people are coming from all over the country, from Oregon to Pennsylvania, Texas to Indiana, Tennessee and Michigan. So many from my team are coming too, those who helped me pull all this together.

And once again, I feel your deep and powerful love, the love of my people. I am blessed over and over by all the love we put in the world. All that love just keeps coming back to me from those who were there for my old life and those from my new life, by those I’ve known all my life and those I just met. We’re all coming together to hold vigil.

What will I learn from you all? What do you have to teach me? I am listening. I will hold watch with you. I am ready to witness. And celebrate…with deep gratitude.